I’m going to try something a little different in the realm of cat related writing today.
For those of you who are faint of heart and can’t take cat shaming you may wish to move on and read something else.
For those of you who think that cats deserve a little shame from time to time please do keep on reading, but note the article is written completely in jest and I love my cats!
Using the Word Furd In Every Day English
Recently my wife and I have coined a new word. It is pretty simple, furd. This is the joining of fur and turd.
See the beautiful image below in case you’re having trouble understanding.
This is what I’d like to say my cats are, they are furds. They are furds for a ton of reasons we’ll get into later, but first let’s get into the many uses of the word. It is quite versatile as you’ll see.
- Noun: My cat is a furd because she scratches the couch in front of me when she has a scratching post 2 feet away.
- Verb: Yeah, my cat is furding it up right now. She just wolfed down her food and keeps puking all over the house.
- Adjective: My cat is really furdy, she wakes me up every night at 3:00 AM to meow for treats.
- Adverb: Your cat furdly walked over the dinner table and left litter everywhere (yeah, that one was a stretch, adverbs are hard).
Now I’d even like to take this a step farther. I theorize that all cats are furds.
You might say, what about the Spynx, or the Devon Rex? And I’d say you have to do your research! They still have fur and they are still furds in my book. Even if they were truly furless I’d argue that if they have similar behavior to most ‘cats’ they may be more turd than cat.
What Defines the Word Furd?
I’ve created a list of activities that define what a furd is. I suggest you read through the list and then determine if your cat is a furd or not.
This isn’t a multi step evaluation process we’re talking either. If they exhibit any of the below behavior I say they are a furd!
Note these are only the first 20 reasons I thought of that your cat might be a furd.
There are way more undocumented, perhaps an infinite number.
So here they are, the 20 behaviors that mean you’ve got a furd on your hands:
- Every piece of clothing you own is covered in cat fur and there’s a lint roller in every closet. You’ve got a furd!
- Your cat pretends to stay off the counters, but the second she thinks you’re gone she sprawls for a nap in your kitchen. That’s furding in full force.
- If your cat jumps on your crotch in the middle of the night (what I call ‘ball jumping’) then your cat is a furd.
- If your cat meows and meows at your door and as soon as you open it simply walks away then your cat is a furd.
- Does your cat use the litter box and then not clean up after and walk around showing your her dirty butt? She’s a furd!
- You can watch your cat purposely push valuables off of high shelves while they stare at you. Furd!
- After using the litter box your cat tracks litter all over your house despite 3 litter mats and a forced jump. Now that’s a furd!
- When your cat eats too fast and throws up all over the place, but then goes back and eats more, that’s what I call furding it up.
- Despite your best efforts your cat continues to use your houseplants his or her personal bathroom. Furdtacular.
- Do you lay blankets on your furniture to minimize cat hair? Then find your cat laying on the one uncovered spot? Silly furd.
- Your cat hides where you can’t find her just to make you look for her then that is full on furd behavior!
- If your furball yowls like crazy when they see another cat outside then sprays indoors you’ve got yourself a furd.
- Your cat tries to sneak outside often, but when you take her out on a leash and harness she only wants back in. I say furd!
- You’ve purchased numerous expensive toys but he’ll only play with hair ties or milk caps. 100% furd behavior!
- You find poop stains on your windowsills from uncleaned cat butt. Gross. That’s furdy behavior.
- If she just stares at you when you serve her expensive healthy food but loves her cheap junk food. What a prissy furd!
- You’ve got to brush him daily cause he’s got so much fluff, but he swats and scratches you when you try. Furd!
- When you open the the utility room and your cat bolts behind the furnace to emerge covered in more dust than any vacuum has ever seen. Clean me human! What a furd!
- You constantly find tipped over bowls of water because your cat likes to play in it. Not cool at all. Very furdy.
- Whoever you adopted it from told you it was a cat. They are all in cahoots. They are already furd slaves. It’s a furd!
I might argue that the entire list of bad cat behavior available on BadKitty would indicate your cat is a furd. You should review the entire list in case you still suspect your cat isn’t a furd.
Should We Be Worried About the Furds?
Now I suspect that furds have lived side by side with us for thousands of years. Perhaps since the Egyptians first took them as creatures worth worshiping.
I do wonder though if Pharaohs were responsible for scooping their furd’s litter boxes. I assume not. Anyway, I digress.
My theory is that furds are waiting until they reach a peak in power and they ingrained in every single household worldwide.
Once they’ve achieved this feat they will likely rise up and destroy us humans or simply take total control of the world.
I know my home is already completely run by furds. You can see the details of their home domination strategies [INSERT LINK].
All in all it isn’t bad. We just live to serve their every need and in return we get their disdain. Pretty sweet deal.
In summary, you should not be worried for your health or safety. Only whether or not you’ll get to control where you spend your time and money in the future.
Furds are kind masters for the most part!
Enjoying the Fact That The Furd Is the Word
Now as soon as you heard the word furd I bet you weren’t thinking of this song. That’s because I put that nasty picture of a furry turd up there and you were probably thinking to yourself ‘Well that’s gross.’
But now that I’ve got your attention back I’d like you to think of this amazing song by the Trashmen called Surfin’ Bird.
Then you should consider replacing ‘Bird’ in this song with ‘Furd’ and singing it end to end while dancing just like he does.
And if you’re not a Trashmen fan you can always revert to how Peter Griffin in Family Guy does it instead.
Spread the Word About the Furds
So come on and help me spread the word. Furd is the word folks. Get it out there, get it to the presses.
Tell your friends, tell your family, tell your neighbors.
You probably shouldn’t tell your furds though. They probably wouldn’t like that we’ve discovered their secret.
If you think you actually have a cat instead of a furd then I invite you to comment below and explain the behavior of your suspected ‘cat.’ We may need to establish 24 hour surveillance for proof such a creature exists.
If you happen to have a contribution to the list or just want to explain why your cats are furds please comment below.
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