If you own a cat you’re likely slowly becoming a cat. There are signs that you’re slowly transitioning into a cat. And unfortunately for you…you probably haven’t even noticed them.
It’s dangerous you know. If you become a full on cat you’ll simply never come back. You’ll be like the crazy cat lady (or man) from the Simpsons some years ago! Just kidding, she was way too whack-a-loon. Even us hardcore cat lovers would never have a cat slingshot. If anything we’d lean toward having a cat treat slingshot to reward our cats for being such awesome members of our family.
Oh wait, is that me, or the cat me talking? It is sometimes a struggle to tell between the two. Anyhow, I feel I owe it to humanity to tell you the signs that you’re being converted slowly into a cat. Perhaps you still have time to save yourself.
#1 – Everything You Own Is Covered In Cat Fur
When you get your first cat you might not even notice it for a few weeks. It is slow, but it is constant. And honestly, you can’t really stop it. Your cat is going to shed. And then shed more. And then even more.
And we really only have ourselves to blame for this shameless shedding. Strangely enough it is actually caused by us humans messing with our feline friends. Because we keep them indoors and they have access to artificial light 24 hours a day 365 days a year they shed 24 hours a day 365 days a year.
Now I’m not saying they are complaining. If anything I think they relish in the fact that their fur is slowly infiltrating every single bit of our lives. I can’t remember the last time I put on a piece of clothing I owned and didn’t need to lint roll it. Even worse, if you happen to touch that clothing with a slightly damp hand you’ll quickly find it covered in cat fur.
Now you may not be worried. Cat fur is just cat fur you might say. You’d be wrong. As you ingest more and more of it you’ll slowly turn cat. You might even end up having a hairball! Better be careful humans, watch out for cat fur.
#2 – You Are a Feline Bad Behavior Enabler
Do you let your cat sniff the ingredients while you cook?
Do you give your cat a taste of “human food” even though you know it really isn’t good for them?
Do you let your cat counter surf even though you would prefer she didn’t?
You probably don’t even yell “No!” anymore (not that it would have worked anyway!) when they do it. You probably say something like this to yourself “She has such a mind of her own. She knows she shouldn’t be up there but she just does it anyway!”
The more you let them take control the more likely you are to eventually succumb to converting fully into a cat. Since they are pretty much relentless and have nothing much else to do they’ll eventually win out.
#3 – You Convert Random Songs Into Songs About Your Cat
This goes back to that Seinfeld episode some 20 years ago where George is dating the pianist. He convinces her to think about him “all the time.” Even when she’s performing in concert.
If you’re thinking about your cat all the time you’re probably taking the lyrics of popular songs and converting them into lyrics about your amazing cat at home. This is partially a result of a hidden capability cat’s have to slowly brainwash humans into a mindless zombies. It is also based on their fur slowly getting into everything you own.
A good example for me would be the following. Imagine yourself singing the Spider Man Theme Song and note my cat is named Beast:
Super Beast, Super Beast
You’re so meowy, you’re so picky
We were lucky to find such a awesome little kitty
You don’t bite and you don’t claw
If you were human you’d abide by the law
You like the laser, you like the string
Aren’t you an adorable thing
Super Beast, Super Beast
Now let’s be honest, it is a freakin’ terrible song. But that doesn’t stop me from doing this. All. The. Time. And don’t even ask for a YouTube video. I am tone deaf. It’d hurt your ears.
It is worth noting at this point that very additional cat hair touching you makes you .1% more feline, if only temporarily. Do beware of putting on a pair of paints with a high static cling issue. You might find yourself laying on the floor playing with a ball of yarn in no time!
#4 – You Meow To (At) Your Cat
If you’re already meowing at your cat you are definitely in deep. You probably think you’re actually communicating with your cat. I guarantee you that you are not. They are just tricking you into thinking that you’re part feline. Their ultimate goal is to turn you into a completely subservient feline slave!
If you’re meowing you should see a psychologist immediately. Or perhaps you should see a professional cat behaviorist to see if they can ensure you are well enough adjusted to operate in both the human and feline world.
The unfortunate news for you is that if you’re already this far gone it is pretty hard to recover into a full human. The cat claws are in deep, so to speak. The only way for you to recover completely is to abandon all feline interaction immediately.
But knowing you you’re probably not only playing with your cat numerous times a day, you’re probably volunteering at a local shelter to. You’re a lost cause. Sorry. Just give in.
#5 – You Encourage the Spread of Felines Worldwide
Sure, you volunteer at a no kill shelter. I do too. But at the end of the day I pretty much wish everyone “owned” a cat. I tell all my friends about my cats. I tell my family about them. I mean wow, I have a cat website.
I’m basically the epitome of someone under the control of cats. You might call it the Human Feline Condition if you’re looking for the psychological term.
I pretty much do whatever I can to get people to adopt cats. I post about cats up for adoption. I help cats find good homes at the shelter I volunteer at. I promote the cat toy and cat products that make their lives heaven.
#6 – You Spend More On Your Cats Than Your Kids
If you add up your Credit Card bill at the end of the month and you’ve got a new category in the pie chart dedicated to “Cat Stuff” then you’ve probably been fully brainwashed by your resident felines.
You’re probably purchasing all sorts of things without even thinking about it. You’re buying them new toys, new food, new treats. You might have even purchased an automatic food or treat dispense so “whenever the urge strikes” (cats can emit long range low frequency radio waves to you for treat requests – haven’t you seen the Rampage movie?!) you can give them a treat from your phone.
I’ll be honest, at this point you’re probably pretty much beyond help. This level is quite dangerous, you’re already seeing changes to you DNA that are irreversible. But there might still be hope.
There’s one last sign we need to check before we can confirm you’ve been fully converted into a cat…
#7 – You Lick Your Own Butt
Now if you find yourself licking your own butt after going to the bathroom then you’re definitely in big trouble. Not only can the human…
Gotcha. We all know humans aren’t flexible to lick their own butts. But I bet you were thinking for a minute ‘What the heck?!?! Is this guy crazy (and does he have experience?!?!)?’ Fortunately I don’t have experience, though I am still crazy.
I just had to make sure you were still reading.
All Kidding Aside…
While this article was written completely in jest I do feel at some points in my life that I am more interested in being a cat than in being a human. I mean, my cats live the dream. They have all the comforts you could ask for.
Really the only thing they lack is consistent and unrestricted outdoor exploration. And that’s mostly because they are such giant wimps that when they go out on the patio the immediately get scared and scamper back inside.
Life must be pretty sweet for most cats living with a good human family. I hope if I ever die and get reincarnated I come back as a cat in a family like my own!
But do keep in mind there are plenty of kitties out there that don’t live this life. If you decide to get a cat please adopt and please do support your local no kill shelters.
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